If I think about it too much, I get stuck. If I let myself wonder how anything could be true and what is true anyway and what’s the point and why does that even matter, I get so stuck. I’ve stopped letting myself think about the hard questions. Maybe just for now. Maybe for always. The last time I did this, it didn’t go so well, so I’m trying a new way. A lot less why. A lot more just go.
I don’t know why we’re going to church. I don’t know what to say when Riley said “I believe in God” today. I don’t know what to do with the fact that her tiny voiced statement took my breath away like when you fall too hard, too fast, straight onto your back. And you can’t breathe. The kind that comes from the depth of fear. Because all I want for her is that she can find her own way. All I want is for her to not know and be okay and not the mess that I am in my head, in my heart, in my chest.
I asked her if she knows what God is. She said no. I told her we’ll talk about it when she’s 19 or so.
I know that I don’t know. But I believe. I know that that’s enough. I know that’s terrifying. Still. And probably forever.
That’s okay. It’s okay to be scared. It’s better than being stuck. Way better. So I’ll just keep going.