I Can’t Give Her Everything She Wants, But I Can Teach Her To Be Okay With That
Do kids like it when parents say no to them?
No. Because they really want to do the thing.
Because they really want to say, do, go, and be how they want. And get what they want.
Do kids like it better when parents say yes if they ask for something?
Yes. Because they get to do the thing that they want to do.
What happens when you ask for something and I say no?
I say “okay!”
Did you always respond like that?
No. I would get mad because I really wanted the thing and I wanted to do or go somewhere and I felt like you didn’t hear me and that I wasn’t getting respected or getting to do what I wanted to do.
So that made you feel mad and frustrated?
What is different now?
I get tickets whenever I say, “Okay.” I get mad inside, but I know that I want to get a ticket because each ticket is a dollar and I can buy something that I want.
So what do you do with your body and your words to get the ticket?
I be nice and I say “okay” because I don’t want to be mean.
Is it okay to ask for things?
Yes and you shouldn’t do it THAT much.
After a shopping trip full of Can I have that? Why? Why? Can I have this? Why? Please? Please? Why! I pulled over on the way home to google “How to get your kid to cooperate in a grocery store.” It wasn’t helpful. We went home and I made the kid cover our back window in things she’s thankful for because OMG WHY. It was a hard day. As a single parent, I have to say no more than ever. My budget is tight. And a kid who goes back and forth between two homes asks for a lot. Without the consistency of a single home, it all sometimes rises up into TOO MUCH. We got there a few weeks ago. How am I raising a kid who can’t hear the word no? Is this normal? Did I do this? And how on earth can I fix it? At some point in my stumbling through the internet for a solution, I came across the idea that it’s good for kids to ask for stuff. It’s good for all of us to learn how to ask for help, ask for what we want, ask for what we need. The problem isn’t with the asking. It’s with the reaction to hearing no. And with that, I found the solution.
New rule: ask for anything you want. You can only ask once, because once I’ve answered, I’ll just repeat that I’ve already answered. If the answer is no, you have a choice to react or respond. A response is to accept the no as what it is. To trust that I have a reason for it. To drop it. To react is to FREAK OUT IN PUBLIC. I’ve been there too many times. I can’t anymore.
When you respond, you earn half a ticket. When you react, I take a ticket away. Tickets may be saved up and turned in like earning an allowance for chores (she also earns tickets for chores, so these tickets just get added in).
And with that? Everything changed. She still asks for everything. I still try to say yes when I can. When it’s reasonable. When it’s safe. When it’s appropriate. And I still say no. A lot. Because there are lots of asks. And there are limits. But now? There are tickets not freak outs. There are responses, not reactions. And I now have a 7 year old who reminds me to respond instead of react, too. Thanks, Roozle.
What about if you asked for something, like having a sip of my beer?
I would think about it and I would change my mind because beer is alcohol and I don’t want to go crazy.
If you were really curious about it, how could we respect your curiosity while taking good care of your body?
I would use the 5 senses!
The 5 senses are: smell, hear, touch, taste, and see.
Oh good idea! Just like we do with trying a new food! We could do that with a drink you might be interested in so you could be curious about it, and we could just skip the tasting part!
No, because we taste it.
But you can’t taste alcohol. So we’d skip that.
Yeah, skip it.
Do you think that the work we do about me saying no to you about stuff helps with the times I have to say no to keep you safe?
Yes because I want to be safe and maybe because I’m used to hearing no now and yeah.
Good. I’m glad. I don’t like to say no to you, I’d rather say lots of yes’s to you, but sometimes I have to say no as a parent to keep you safe and because sometimes we all hear no. It’s good for all of us to practice responding instead of reacting, even grown ups. Have you noticed that I’ve been working on that?
Can I type now?
(typed by Riley) Yes.
Do you think I’ve been doing better responding to you instead of reacting?
(typed by Riley) Definitely because I have heard you say, “Okay.”
This post is sponsored by Responsibility.org. I am working with them as a #TalkEarly blogger this year to help them “Empower parents to be confident about their own decisions regarding alcohol, model healthy, balanced behaviors, and create a foundation for starting conversations with their kids from an early age.” Let’s all do that. Because that totally rules.