I Don’t Always Want To Live In The Moment

I Don’t Always Want To Live In The Moment

Kids are not listening to your words as much as they are feeling your attachment.

I call her an octopus. It’s the way she wraps those arms and legs around me when she sleeps. The way she sits so close on the couch when the rest of it is empty. It’s the way she clings to me at drop off and holds on to my arm when she tells me something important. So much of what she tells me is important. And a little loud. But mostly important.

Sometimes our schedule feels a bit chaotic as we navigate shared custody and work and activities. Sometimes I feel like I’m not present enough. Like I should do more or be more, somehow, knowing I actually can’t. I am doing the best I can. And in this transition, that’s good enough. In anything, it’s good enough. I’m good enough.

Yes, you can sleep in my room. Yes, I’ll stay with you. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll carry your stuff. I’ll be right here. I’ll wait until you’re ready for me to go. I’m right here.

Because she holds my hand when we walk. She tells me about an argument she had with a friend at school. She is quick to forgive me when I raise my voice and lose my patience. She takes my pillow in her sleep, or uses me as a pillow while I work.

Sleeping Attached Octopus is Attached

I’m learning that it’s okay to make mistakes, to struggle, to have to work even when we’re together. I’m learning to see the bigger picture of attachment and independence and I’ve decided to let go of trying to parent by living in the moment. More importantly, I’m letting go of judging myself as a parent in the moment. Moments don’t tell the whole story. Moments hear our conversations, but don’t always pick up how we feel.

In the chaos of transition, we’re finding confidence and independence. We’re slowing down and speeding up. Sometimes that all looks like a mess, but at the end of the day, it sorts itself out as things tend to do when we just love with all we are and stay connected. We’re good at the connected part, thankfully. Because octopus.

This post is sponsored by Responsibility.org. I am working with them as a #TalkEarly blogger this year to help them “Empower parents to be confident about their own decisions regarding alcohol, model healthy, balanced behaviors, and create a foundation for starting conversations with their kids from an early age.” Let’s all do that. Because that totally rules.


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