Finding a new normal when nothing is normal and what does normal mean anyway?
We are now six weeks into this new normal around here. The co-parenting schedule doesn’t feel new anymore. Or as terrifying. The only times Roozle has had trouble with it is if we’ve changed it for some reason. She likes the predicability of our every-other-day co-parenting schedule. If she has more than a couple of days with one of us, she starts to feel a bit unsteady and needs more reassurance. She’s okay, though. We’re okay, though.
Until suddenly I’m not.
Then I am again.
That’s how this seems to go. It’s okay. It’s not okay! It’s okay again. It’s more okay than not right now, at least. But the waves. Goodness. Writing helps. Then writing is overwhelming. Friends help. Then relying on anyone feels awful and I’d rather hide. I like hiding. Let’s hide! Music helps. Then music is overwhelming and reading helps! Baking helps! Parenting helps!
Going helps. Stopping helps. We’ll be okay. I know that.
The guilt feels like a wall some days. A wall with a lot of layers. Maybe it’s more like a cake. Or just guilt. Guilt doesn’t have to be anything other than what it is, it’s bad enough without some terrible metaphor on it.
In the end, or the beginning of the end as I guess this really is, ending a ten year marriage is hard. Ending a ten year marriage with a 5-year-old is way harder. After ten years, it’s not like you can just go back to what you did before. I was 25. I’d rather not go back to that, thanks.
Divorce is an identity crisis.
Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who was I before? How do I ask myself any questions without hanging out too long in the what went wrong of it all? Who am I as a co-parent? What do we do now?
I don’t know. And that’s this new normal. Maybe the normal I had before should’ve had a lot more I don’t know in it, too. Probably. I don’t know is a good place to be. My faith crisis is very familiar with it, so I should be just fine with the not knowing, reading (not reading), baking (not baking), friends (go away!), writing (writing is awful, I hate it, I quit!), good music (turn it off), and parenting (go to sleep, child, please OMG).
Totally okay. Totally normal.