I had a meeting with myself and discovered that I’m terrible at doing nothing.
This weekend, I had a meeting with myself. I’ve been doing that lately, usually on a weekend day. I set up my calendar for the week: swim lessons, meeting at my kid’s school, writing deadlines, upcoming travel plans. I look at my editorial calendar. I plan the books I want to read and when I’ll have time for them. I think about what I want to write. I plan meals.
I write it all out, then I go back to see what I did last week.
What happened last week? What did we do? What did I write? How did it all go?
I pretend I’m in some kind of board meeting with myself. About myself. About writing and work and life. Because otherwise? This life just goes right by.
This week’s meeting was all about email. I am in the process of moving all of my old email (from two accounts) into a new account. It’s taking forever and showing me, 50 emails at a time, what I’ve held on to all these years. And what have I held on to? Too much. Way too much. I don’t need to archive all those Google Alerts and emails from Amazon or every blog post I subscribe to after I’ve read it. And thousands of other emails. Yes mom, I’ll bring cranberry sauce to Thanksgiving dinner. In 2010. Let go. Let it all go.
In this week’s meeting, I realized that I spend way too much time organizing email. I spend too much time thinking about wanting to read the library books and should just read the library books. I spend too much time planning to meditate and should just meditate. But all this time, I’ve thought this meant I just don’t use my time wisely. I don’t think I believe that anymore. I think that I don’t make enough time for doing nothing, so I end up doing a lot of things that aren’t on my list because I don’t have the brain space for what is on my list. And because I don’t really know how to do nothing. I’m way too bad at that.
With our new co-parenting schedule, I have more time for nothing. More time for too much, too. According to this week’s meeting with myself, I need to figure out that balance. It means more time meditating, less time making lists. I can do that. I can start there. Right after I straighten that painting on my wall that is apparently totally crooked.